The Quip And The Dead

For every elaborate Bond-movie death, there’s an almost-as-painful pay-off line. Don’t believe us? Well, let’s line up 20 of the best...

20 HEARSE POWER

Dr No
Murder scene: Bond is pursued by killers driving – bad choice here – a hearse, so he forces them off the road and their car goes boom. With them in it.
Grin Reaper: “I think they were on their way to a funeral.”

19 OFF YOUR BIKE
The Spy Who Loved Me
Murder scene: While chasing Bond’s snazzy white Lotus Esprit, a motorbiking baddie rides through an  exploding mattress truck and zips straight off a cliff in a cloud of plumage.
Grin Reaper: “All those feathers and he still can’t fly!“

18 MAGNET CAR-DRUNK
You Only Live Twice
Murder scene: In order to get rid of a bunch of thugs chasing 007, the Japanese secret service picks up the villains’ car using a giant magnet suspended from a helicopter, then neatly dumps ‘em into the big blue.
Grin Reaper: “Just a drop in the ocean...“

17 ICED, CRUSHED
Goldfinger
Murder scene: American mobster Mr Solo somewhat unwisely crosses Goldfinger. Having been shot by Oddjob, he ends up in the back of a car – that’s then fed through a scrapyard car crusher. Ouch.
Grin Reaper: “As you said, a pressing engagement.“

16 DECOMPRESSED
Goldfinger
Murder scene: 007 battles Goldfinger at high altitude. A gunshot punches a hole in the side of the plane. The change in pressure sucks the German into the vortex...
Grin Reaper: (When asked where Goldfinger is) “Playing his golden harp.“

15 IMPALED
Thunderball
Murder scene: After sucking Claudine Auger’s injured foot on a beach, 007 finishes off a skinny SPECTRE assassin with a handy harpoon gun.You’d almost think he had his gag planned...
Grin Reaper: “I think he got the point.”

14 RED RUN
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
Murder scene: Chased down a mountainside by a bunch of SPECTRE disposables, Bond makes one of them ski through a handily placed snow-blower, spraying the piste a fetching shade of crimson.
Grin Reaper: “He had a lot of guts.”

13 DIAL-A-BITE
The Spy Who Loved Me
Murder scene: Jaws corners one of his targets in a phone booth and sinks his steel incisors into the poor sap’s neck. Bond later discovers the corpse and thoughtfully pops an “Out Of Order” sign on its chest.
Grin Reaper: “He was cut off – permanently.”

12 AIRSHIPPED OUT
A View To A Kill
Murder scene: Aryan tycoon-type Max Zorin holds his business meetings in an airship. One of his associates decides he wants no part of his evil scheme and is shoved into the stratosphere, leaving Zorin to say...
Grin Reaper: “So, anyone else want to drop out?”

11 GRIEF WELLINGTON 
The Living Daylights
Murder scene: Traitorous general Brad Whitaker and grumpy Dalton Bond are shooting it out in Whitaker’s lair. After a few thousand bullets have flown, 007 squishes Whitaker under a statue of Lord Wellington.
Grin Reaper: “He met his Waterloo.”

 

10 FORK-TRUCKED
Licence To Kill
Murder scene: Evil lackey Heller is kebabed on the prongs of a forklift truck. As if that wasn’t fatal enough, the forklift then thwumps through a wall. Gloriously convoluted.
Grin Reaper: “Looks like he came to a dead end.”

9 TOO-TIGHT ROPE
GoldenEye
Murder scene: Superthighed bad girl Xenia Onatopp abseils down from a helicopter to attack 007. He shoots the helicopter and the rope tugs taut. Xenia whips back, tree gets in the way, Xenia’s spine snaps.
Grin Reaper: “She always did enjoy a good squeeze.”

8 DRILLER KILLER
Tomorrow Never Dies
Murder scene: Gunless and trapped by bwah-ha-ing media baron Elliot Carver, Bond overpowers the swine effortlessly and feeds him into a giant drill-shaped torpedo. As anyone would.
Grin Reaper: “You forgot the first rule of mass media, Elliot: give the people what they want.”

7 TO INFINITY AND BEYOND
Moonraker
Murder scene: Not content with shooting genocidal badman Hugo Drax with a poison dart, 007 then pushes him into an airlock and ejects him into the blood-freezing vacuum. And there’s only one thinghe could say, really...
Grin Reaper: “Take a giant leap for mankind.”

6 RED TOP
Tomorrow Never Dies
Murder scene: Escaping from Elliot Carver’s Hamburg HQ, Bond slugs it out with an assortment of thugs on a gantry above a printing press. One is knocked into the machine, ensuring the newspaper is – ahem – red from cover to cover.
Grin Reaper: “They’ll print anything these days!“

5 BATH TIME
Goldfinger
Murder scene: After a pre-title sequence scrap with a faceless thug, Bond throws him into a bathtub full of water. Then throws an electrical heater in after him, evidently only so he can deliver a bit of classic Bond punning. Brutal, unnecessary and very funny.
Grin Reaper: “Shocking! Positively shocking!“

4 FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Licence To Kill
Murder scene: Not Bond’s fault this one, and, we admit, not actually a death. But it does score highly for sadistic wordplay. After feeding bits of Felix Leiter to a hungry shark, baddie Sanchez leaves a note...
Grin Reaper: “He disagreed with something that ate him.”

3 HURTY DANCING
Thunderball
Murder scene: After some hearty shagging, Bond trips the light fantastic with bad lady Fiona Volpe. Espying a hidden sniper, 007 spins Volpe round to form a useful bodyshield. He then dumps her in a chair, saying... 
Grin Reaper: “Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She’s just dead.”

2 HAT-TRICK
Goldfinger
Murder scene: Hat-hurling heavy Oddjob tries to retrieve his steel-rimmed titfer from a metal cage. A metal cage that Bond’s holding the business end of a high-voltage cable up against. Only in a Bond film...
Grin Reaper: “Oh, he blew a fuse.”

1 BURST TROUBLE
Live And Let Die
Murder scene: Bond forces head bad guy Kananga to swallow a bullet designed to stop sharks... by filling them with compressed air until they explode. 007 can kill anyone with just about anything, but from the moment that the shark ’ploding bullet is mentioned, you know it ain’t just going to be used on our finny friends. Kananga blows up like a popped balloon, blood splats everywhere and Bond gets to deliver a killer line.
Grin Reaper: “Well, he always did have an inflated opinion of himself.”

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