What If All Websites Were Movies?

Fincher's doing Facebook, should Scorsese do Spotify?

 

David Fincher's making a Facebook movie.

So what if some of our other favourite directors decided to make movies out of websites?

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Quentin Tarantino Presents: IMDB – The Movie



The Pitch: Containing the most movie homages ever seen in a mainstream film, IMDB The Movie shifts from comedy riffs, to horror gore, to documentary vérité in the blink of an eye.

Sample Scene: Tarantino walks toward the camera, gesticulating wildly. “Visited by 57 million movie maniacs every month, when you absolutely positively need trivia on every DVD in the room, accept no substitute.”

John Travolta walks in stage left. “I was named Man of the Year by Harvard's Hasty Pudding Club in 1981.”

Sam Jackson walks in stage right: “Get these motherf*cking snakes, off this motherf*cking plane!”

Critical Reaction:
“Essential!”

 

Next: David Lynch's EBAY EMPIRE

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David Lynch’s EBAY EMPIRE




The Pitch: Starts out like The Straight Story, following French-born Iranian computer programmer Pierre Omidyar’s mission to make an internet marketplace.

But then EBAY EMPIRE hits the halfway point and goes absolutely nuts.

The website forms its own consciousness and floats above Pierre, saying things like, “Buy it now!” “New and used!” and “Donkey donkey gooseflesh wow!”

Eventually, Pierre has had enough and tries to sell the website, on eBay.  But eBay outbids him.

The final shot is of Pierre, trapped in his computer, slapping the screen, moaning, “One careful owner, good as new,” over and over again, while a giant rabbit dressed in a suit bangs jazz out on a cheap keyboard.

Critical Reaction: “Confusing!”

 

Next: Michael Bay's Wikipedia

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Michael Bay’s Wikipedia





The Pitch: After all the abuse he suffered for Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, Bay sets out to make a small personal movie about a couple of businessmen who happen to hit it big with their online encyclopaedia. At least, that’s the intention...

Sample Scene: Some reference books are in a big pile on the ground in a desert. Suddenly, the pages start to blow open in the wind. Books are so useless.

Megan Fox walks towards the books. She’s wearing a crop-top, a mini-skirt and some glasses. The glasses are there to suggest that she’s clever.

She drops a matchstick onto the books. Nu-metal is playing on a radio or something somewhere in the distance. The matchstick falls, falls, falls onto the books in ultra-slow motion.

They start to catch fire. Beautiful flames lick the stupid paper pages. The leather covers start to buckle and crack from the heat.

Suddenly, with a massive whoosh, all the books are turned into a raging inferno. Megan Fox takes her top off, slowly.

Then, the books EXPLODE sending a sonic BOOM effect for MILES. Shards of hardbacks thud against the desert floor. Paper ashes float in slow motion in the wind.

Shia LaBeouf skids into the frame, wearing a baffled expression. “I gotta take these books back… Back to the future!” Roll opening credits.

Critical Reaction: “Inaccurate!”

 

Next: Pixar's Twitter

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Pixar’s Twitter



The Pitch: John Lasseter decides not to go down the obvious biopic road, and instead focuses on the iconic Twitter bird.

When Twitter Bird accidentally eats his best friend Barney Caterpillar, he’s so traumatised that he refuses to speak to anyone, flying out to sea so he can die alone.

But Twitter Bird meets a massive whale there, who needs to be transferred from his polluted sea-home into a whale sanctuary.

Twitter Bird connects with the whale’s misery and decides to get strong enough to lift him to safety himself.

Twitter Bird works out so hard that he makes himself sick, vomiting up Barney in the process. Through helping others, he reunites with his friend.

In an emotional third act, Twitter Bird carries the whale to his new home, chatting to Barney along the way.

Sample Scene: Twitter Bird (voiced by John Ratzenberger) says the following dialogue. He even recites the tinyurl...

“I just got reunited with my best friend, Barney, I’m so happy! I’ve taken him out for eats, check out the Twitpic http://tinyurl.com/nlwfpz!”

Critical Reaction: “Heartwarming!”

 

Next: JJ Abrams' YouTube

 

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JJ Abrams’ YouTube



The Pitch: In this sequel to Cloverfield, JJ Abrams creates another handheld blockbuster - except this time, you’re watching people watching a global disaster on their computers. META!

Sample Scene: Handsome twentysomething Jake (unknown actor) types 'YouTube' into an internet brower, while his best friend Chud (unknown actor) wisecracks in the background.

Suddenly the camera zooms in on the screen, which is displaying a small video box, which is playing footage of some people running and panicking.

The footage is really blurry and shaky, but it totally scares Jake and Chud. But then Keyboard cat plays off the carnage and Jake and Chud relax again. Roll credits.

Critical Reaction: “Brief!”

 

Next: Martin Scorsese's Spotify

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Martin Scorsese’s Spotify




The Pitch:
After hearing that a website exists that lets people listen to any album they want, for free, Marty abandons Shutter Island to 'research' a movie version.

Sample Scene:
Nothing as yet, Marty’s still locked in his computer room.

We’ve heard around sixty Rolling Stones tracks blast through the door since he went in, so we imagine they’re on the soundtrack.

Critical Reaction:
“Musical!”

 

Next: McG's MySpace

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McG’s MySpace




The Pitch:
McG, the backwards baseball cap-wearing voice of youth decides that ‘the kids’ really need to hear about this great new social network site he’s just discovered.

He really identifies with the way people write the name with a big M, then a little y, then a big S, because that’s how he rolls.

The film, initially titled MySpace, MySpace: The Future Batman Begins Returns Salvationator 2: Judgementing Day, is renamed MySpace: The Movie following angry talkbacker comments on Aint It Cool News.

Sample Scene:
McG skateboards into the room. He picks up a guitar and sings a song about MySpace. Nobody cares.

Critical Reaction: “Disengaging!”

 

Next: James Cameron's Google

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James Cameron’s Google




The Pitch: Cameron is hired to tell the story of the rise and rise of the insanely successful search engine. Cameron takes the money and spends 18 years using Google Earth and Street View to completely remodel the planet in his own image.

Sample Scene:
The camera swoops and spins around a 3D version of Mount Rushmore.

The three stone faces have been transformed into James Cameron’s face, James Cameron’s face and James Cameron’s face holding an Oscar between his teeth. The audience leaves.

Critical Reaction:
“Groundbreaking!”

 

Next: Michel Gondry’s Amazon.com

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Michel Gondry’s Amazon.com




The Pitch: Amazon decide that Michel Gondry’s friendly, playful, good-natured films represent the kind of energy they want their brand to be aligned with.

So they hire him to make the movie of their company.

Unfortunately, during the research process, Gondry gets access to the website’s passwords and storage warehouses, and decides to replace all of Amazon's DVD stock with sweded versions of all their most popular movie titles.

The budget is blown and the movie never happens.

Critical Reaction:
“Gondry!”
 

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Comments

    • Desperation

      Jun 25th 2009, 11:28

      Some of those sound quite good actually!

      Alert a moderator

    • EthanRunt

      Jun 25th 2009, 11:50

      I'd pay more for Sweded versions of some films than the originals. Michel Gondry's Love Guru or The Happening anyone?

      Alert a moderator

    • LadyUsagi

      Jun 27th 2009, 0:38

      The three stone faces have been transformed into James Cameron’s face Umm...aren't there FOUR faces on Rushmore? I kinda like the Pixar idea...

      Alert a moderator

    • kellythered

      Jun 27th 2009, 1:16

      FACEBOOK, an Ang Lee film. The Pitch: A postmodern costume period piece-love story, with extreme face close ups, dramatic celing shots, and lots and lots of tears. Sample Scene: Young, bright Facebook: Network: Palo Alto, CA Relationship Status: It's Complicated Birthday: February, 4, 2004 Britney begrudginly accepts her grandmother's friend request and she discovers (MAJOR CLOSE-UP) that her grandmother, Myspace, is a tranny and has been having a Cougar-esque trist with her ubber-major crush Matt Cohler! (OMG?!! WTF?!?! FML!!) Critical Recation: Heartbreaking.

      Alert a moderator

    • kellythered

      Jun 27th 2009, 1:17

      FACEBOOK, an Ang Lee film. The Pitch: A postmodern costume period piece-love story, with extreme face close ups, dramatic celing shots, and lots and lots of tears. Sample Scene: Young, bright Facebook: Network: Palo Alto, CA Relationship Status: It's Complicated Birthday: February, 4, 2004 Facebook begrudginly accepts her grandmother's friend request and she discovers (MAJOR CLOSE-UP) that her grandmother, Myspace, is a tranny and has been having a Cougar-esque trist with her ubber-major crush Matt Cohler! (OMG?!! WTF?!?! FML!!) Critical Recation: Heartbreaking.

      Alert a moderator

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