We're fed up of watching films without a bodycount, films that are more interested in discussing affairs of the heart than they are in showing hearts being removed from chest cavities. Here's some boring movies with horror icons in them. You're welcome.
When Hellraiser Met Sally
Plot: When Sally buys an antique puzzle box from a junk store, little does she know that it will end up providing both a gateway to hell and a pathway to her heart!
The film follows the awkward friendship between Sally (Meg Ryan), a perky New Yorker, and Pinhead (Doug Bradley), a Cenobite from the seventh circle of Hell, as they search for love, occasionally bumping into each other at different stages of their lives.
Sally can’t understand why all her boyfriends end up dying brutally, Pinhead can’t work out why Sally won’t wear the peephole leather outfits he buys for her. Together, they’ll end up confronting the age-old problem: “Can a woman and Cenobite be friends without S&M getting in the way?”
Pinhead: “Show me how you suffer, Sally.”
*Sally screams in agonising pain*
Old lady in diner: “I’ll have what she’s having!
Plot: Dr. Ellie Arroway’s (Jodie Foster) work on the SETI project takes a turn for the worst when she achieves her ambition and makes contact with an alien life-form (Sigourney Weaver) that has acid for blood and wants to impregnate her chest.
Examining in-depth the social, political and economical ramifications of humanity encountering its own annihilation, Contact is an transcendent mediation on what it means both to be human and to be destroyed by an insectoid race of drooling sociopaths.
Ellie Arroway: “Mathematics is the only true universal language.”
Alien: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeee” *kills Ellie*
Bloody Remains Of The Day
1950s England. Emotionally repressed butler Michael Myers (Tyler Mane) returns after a 20 year absence to the stately home where he met and fell in love with a housekeeper named Miss Kenton (Emma Thompson).
Miss Kenton is initially pleased to see Michael, but soon finds her happiness marred by the brutal deaths of her friends, family members and passing acquaintances.
Culminating in an emotional stand-off in the rain between Michael, Miss Kenton and Michael’s butcher’s knife, Bloody Remains Of The Day is the most elegant love story to feature five decapitations and seven disembowelments.
There’s no dialogue in this one, everything’s communicated through layered facial expressions and physical violence.
An American Werewolf In The English Patient
Plot: During World War II an anonymous man is treated for burn wounds by a pretty young nurse (Jenny Agutter). As he recovers from his injuries we gain insight on his life via a series of flashbacks, in which we discover that he was once part of an epic love affair. Oh, and that he was a werewolf.
Almásy: What do you love?
Katharine Clifton: What do I love?
Almásy: Say everything.
Katharine Clifton: Water, with fish in it. Hedgehogs, I love hedgehogs. Marmite. Baths, but not with other people! Islands. I could go on all day
Almásy: How about werewolves? How do you feel about werewolves? I notice you didn’t mention werewolves in that list you just said there.
Katharine Clifton: Why do you ask?
Almásy: No reason.
Memoirs Of A Gremlin
Plot: 1929. Chiyo (Suzuka Ohgo) is a poor girl from a small fishing village who’s sold to a geisha house where she meets a young man (Keye Luke) who gives her a Mogwai as a pet.
Chiyo ignores the young man’s advice and feeds the creature after midnight, accidentally unleashing a horde of reptilian killer creatures upon the head geisha Hatsumomo and her charges.
Sayuri Narration: “After all, these are not the memoirs of an empress, nor of a queen. These are memoirs of another kind. They are the memoirs of a Gremlin. And the memoirs of a Gremlin simply say ‘Grrr’.
The Cold Mountains Have Eyes
Plot: Inman (Jude Law) is a wounded confederate soldier, embarking on a perilous journey home to his mountain community, hoping to reunite with his pre-war sweetheart, Ada (Nicole Kidman). Sadly, Ada has been kidnapped, impregnated and eaten by some inbred men (The Krankies).
Inman: (via letter) “If you could see my inside, or whatever you want to name it; my spirit, that's what I fear. I think I'm ruined. They kept trying to put me in the ground but I wasn't ready. But if I had... if I had goodness, I lost it. If I had anything tender in me, I shot it dead! How could I write to you after what I'd done? What I'd seen?”
Ada: (via letter) “You’ve think you’ve had problems, pal…”
Freddy And The City
Plot: In this truly disturbing Nightmare On Elm Street sequel, the tables are turned on Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) as he finds his reality invaded by a gang of hideous creatures he accidentally encountered when cable-hopping for porn.
The merciless, soulless, gruesome atrocity known only as ‘Carrie Bradshaw’ tracks Freddy’s every move, commenting on his repetitive dress sense, poor skin and penis size. Her mission? To turn Krueger’s head into a designer handbag / shoe combo.
As Freddy attempts to destroy the creature Carrie Bradshaw, he finds himself learning about life, love and the importance of friendship between a gang of free living gals.
Carrie Bradshaw: “We were dressed from head to toe in love... the only label that never goes out of style.”
Freddy: “Please. Please kill me. I promise that this time, I’ll stay dead.”
Samantha Jones: “Aw, sweetie, you made a joke. Good for you!”