Christian Bale is a terrible, terrible Batman.
Go on, admit it. He’s crap at fighting, he sounds like a Disney wolf, and, if we believe what we heard on the set of Terminator Salvation, he’s a bit of a douche.
Okay, so maybe that last one doesn’t really have much to do with the Batman franchise, but it did ruin the Terminator franchise for me.
The last thing I want is for Bale to have a bad day on the set of Batman 3: Die Darker and start barking insults at dear old Michael Caine.
If that happens, I’ll have to strap on my homemade Batsuit, bang on Bale’s trailer door and break out the Ninja stars. Sorry, Batarangs. No-one messes with Michael on my watch. The man's immense. Look at him.
Don’t get me wrong, Bale’s a brilliant actor. American Psycho is one of my favourite films. But I can’t help but wonder if the first person to circle Bateman might be the best choice for Batman.
Yes, I do mean Inception star Leonardo DiCaprio, Christopher Nolan’s new best mate.
DiCaprio has the pretty-boy looks and arrogant swagger of Bruce Wayne and he can pull off the weird mix of obsessive mania and brooding menace it takes to be Bats.
The Departed proved that DiCaprio can lead a double-life on the edge of sanity. Gangs Of New York proved he can bulk up.
Critters 3 proved he’s not above doing a sequel.
And, don’t forget, if we recast Batman, we can reinvent the Joker. It wouldn’t be right to shove any other actor in front of Christian. Ledger’s shadow would be so all-encompassing we wouldn’t be able to make-out the make-up.
But a new actor? Maybe even an older actor? Now we’re talking. If DiCaprio’s busy, then how about we cast Clint Eastwood, call Batman 3 The Dark Knight Returns, slap some clown paint on Daniel Day Lewis and call it a day.
After all, The Dark Knight ended with the perfect set-up for a future-set story.
At the close of Knight, Nolan exiled Batman from Gotham. So, how about he stays away for twenty years instead of the two they’ve probably first drafted?
If you’re telling me you’d rather see Bale back in the Batbriefs than an aged Eastwood, wheezing his way across the ruins of Gotham while gangs of punks try to pick his pocket then, quite frankly, I’m not sure you should call yourself a Batfan. Or a film fan, for that matter.
Eastwood and DiCaprio are my picks for Batman 3 – who are yours? Or do you think Bale should complete the trilogy?