With John McCain so far behind Barack Obama in the race to the White House, one bookie has declared the Presidential campaign over (handing out more than a million to all those who backed Barack). So we thought we'd cheer up the old fella with some good news - one day, he's going to win an Oscar. Here's why.
7. He’s real.
Truman Capote. Ray Charles. Ghandi. Oscar folk love nothing better than a life story shoved into a three-act structure. By simply being real John McCain has a better chance of winning an Oscar than, say, ET. And ET won four Oscars. Therefore, John McCain: The Movie is better than ET. Trust us, that makes sense.
6. He’s a war hero.
And not just any war, The Academy’s favourite war, ‘Nam.
Hell, in 1975 alone ‘Nam movies Coming Home and The Deer Hunter shared a startling 17 noms between them. And they were both boring.
John McCain’s story (part Rambo, part Forrest Gump) would be so stirring, exciting and slapstick that it’d lead to a film so brilliant that McCain would be the only person invited to that Oscars that year, because he’d be the only person nominated in every category. He’d probably have to present it, too. That’s how good it would be.
6. He has a disability
Here’s where we get a little bit Tropic Thunder. John McCain can’t lift his arms, as a result of injuries he suffered during Vietnam. That means he can’t hug anyone properly. That means that John McCain: The Movie would be a film about a man who tries to be President even though he can’t hug anyone.
And are you telling us that’s less award worthy than the stories of men who overcame disabilities to paint with their feet (My Left Foot), play a piano (Shine), gamble (Rain Man) or meets loads of famous people (Forrest Gump)? No, no you are not.
5. He’s an unstable maverick.
Jack Nicholson uses one of his two Oscars as a hat-stand. That’s because he’s a maverick. Coincidentally, he won both of his awards for playing mavericks. John McCain is a maverick. Are you starting to see a pattern?
4. He’s right wing.
The Academy has handed golden boys over for portrayals of right wing characters, (Michael Douglas in Wall Street, George C Scott in Patton) and to right wing actors (John Wayne, Charlton Heston). Get McCain to play himself and he’s both.
3. His film will be made by DreamWorks
One of McCain’s biggest supporters is Roger Enrico, chair of DreamWorks. That means one of the top chaps at the company responsible for Oscar-winners American Beauty, Gladiator and Saving Private Ryan is behind him.
If Enrico uses his expertise to combine elements all of those films we’ve got ourselves both an Oscar-cert and a totally faithful representation of McCain’s life.
2. His story will have an unhappy ending.
Sorry, John. This one’s a bit bitter-sweet. But if you lose the Presidential election, your chances of Oscar glory go up by around 100%. So, you know, every cloud and all that.
Because as Shakespeare In Love, Leaving Las Vegas and Gladiator prove, if you can make The Academy cry with an unhappy ending, you’ll be rewarded with a bald naked golden man.
1. His supporters can afford to buy him an Oscar
And there’s another upside to McCain missing out on a bed in the White House - his Presidential campaign supporters can start pouring all that money into an Oscar campaign instead.
You see, these days you can’t make it to your Oscar acceptance speech without spending a little money on trade ads and lavish campaigns so if all else fails and McCain: The Movie gets botched on its way from concept to cinema screen, we can always get Kissinger to foot the bill.