The Expendables

[Zippykins1]

Pile of rubbish. I suspected cramming all the big names in the trailer wouldn't result to them actually appearing in the film much and I was right. Its all about Stallone and I refuse to believe that that old guy could actually beat anyone up these days.

I enjoy a cheesy action flick as much as the next gal but this was lacking any funny lines or moments to cackle over and I was considering leaving I was that bored.

[Grinch11]

It’s not often that the phrase “worth the ticket price alone” rings true, but for Sylvester Stallone’s nostalgic throwback to the days of machismo, hard-bodied, 80’s action fodder there is one scene that truly is worth your ten English pounds. It’s a good thing too, because the rest of this crass, tongue-in-cheek bicep buster is so disappointingly dull that even if one of the suped up caricature actors that adorn the poster were working the till, you’d still ask for your money back and watch something equally as entertaining on Channel 5 after the football.

Said scene is both the pinnacle and nadir of The Expendables; bringing together the crooked grin of the man formerly known as John McClane (Bruce Willis), the Austrian Oak (Schwarzenegger – whose own brilliant deconstruction of the action genre – The Last Action Hero –is ten times the movie this is), and Rocky himself (writer/director Sly Stallone). This is a line-up that dominated two decades of action cinema and littered the moviegoers’ consciousness with more video rental titles and quotable lines than Tarantino could dream of. They are The Planet Hollywood gang, and much like that now defunct eatery they are a thing of the past, audiences are after leaner, healthier options along the lines of Jason Bourne.

So when the overdue convergence of these colossuses happens it truly is something special, and equally hilarious to boot. The problem stems from the fact that it happens too early, gets the blood pumping, and then it’s over, leaving the audience longing for more of the same, instead of the sub-par straight to DVD mess that The Expendables turns out to be. For a project that looked the epitome of fun, bar “that” scene and the odd icky death, there is not a lot to be had.

Using the familiar Stallone Rambo template of “stranger in a strange land”, The Expendables are a group of mercenaries for hire, led by Barney Ross (Stallone) and consisting of a second in command and ridiculously named, Lee Christmas (Statham), loose cannon with the ironic name, Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), martial arts expert, Ying Yang (Li), and a couple of other grunts that blend into the background. Commissioned by Willis’ Mr Church to overthrow an evil cardboard cut-out dictator, our trigger happy team head to a made up South American island to take down anything that moves in a hail of bullets.

You can tell from the off that this was a “one take” movie, the only method that this lot did was a hardcore gym workout, but you’re never going to watch The Expendables for the acting (even though Stallone can turn it on when he wants to – see Rocky Balboa), however, trying to decipher the limited dialogue from the assorted mumblings, rasping, and shouting becomes increasingly frustrating.

Luckily there are some thrills to be had, including a genuinely bonkers, seemingly real and refreshingly CGI free stunt in which Jason Statham fires a machine gun of some description from the exposed nosed cone of a bomber plane as Stallone flies it! It’s the films second “WTF” moment and only highlights the rest of the movies C-List action and repetitively disgusting human mutilation through excessive fire-power. It almost feels like an “in-joke” in that Stallone is attempting to outdo his Rambo body count; fun for him, tedious for the rest of us.

There is no denying that Stallone can be a very good filmmaker, which makes this all the more depressing. Remove any of the star names from above the poster and this wouldn’t get a look in for multiplex distribution. Probably the most telling critique is that both Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal reportedly declined roles, presumably because they were working on something of a higher standard that’s destined for the 99p bargain basket.

[mikeyboy1]

This film was awful I shacking that they let this stuff out of some warehouses! I mean honestly! The best bit was watching plastic faced stallone trying to run down the pier, he ran like a frog!

[Boualem]

I would have to say after watching this film I must have lost half of my brain-cells.

My friend described the film as 2 hours of tat tat tat tat and more explosions. When I saw the film I had to agree.

As a b-action movie it does exactually what it does on tin. i.e if you are expecting a mindless action movie it is proper class. If you are expecting anything else then ... well you may have to look elsewhere.


regards
Boualem Bouderba

[Jeffbiscuits]

I might have enjoyed this film 20 years ago but I'm actually pretty sure I had better taste than this even back then. Stallone looks like an acting powerhouse compared to the rest of the cast and half the time he appears to be having a heart attack. Statham bizarrely seems to be struggling to portray a character that has about as much depth as a beached whale. Lundgren proves the clunkiness of the script with awful dialogue like "It's good to hang pirates!". The set pieces are mostly forgettable and the supporting cast really don't support anything.
Even The A Team was a bit better than this but watch The Losers instead. It's actually enjoyable.1/5