Weren’t able to catch the Oscars? Don’t panic. Totalfilm.com gives you a blow-by-blow account of the big night...
Tinseltown’s finest have braved the flashbulbs and fashion police – think BAFTA but without Ruby Wax and the brollies – the nominees nervously nestle into their seats in the Kodak Theatre as the traditional pre-Oscar funnies kick off…
A parade of former hosts sends in their excuses. It’s a comedy cavalcade! Billy Crystal and Chris Rock go for Brokeback. Steve Martin prefers his scary Midwich Cuckoo kids. So does David Letterman. Whoopi’s refusing and… Mel Gibson? Funny stuff.
Jon Stewart arrives, in bed with Halle Berry. And George Clooney. Cue Brokeback Reference No. 2.
“Ladies… Gentleman... Felicity.”
Stewart delivers the first real dig of the night: “Hundreds of millions of people. Nearly half of whom are being adopted by Angelina Jolie.”
Stewart takes a swipe at the press, which surely everyone saw coming.
Political reference alert! “Sad news? Bjork couldn’t be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her…”
Jon spouts about Walk The Line being Ray with white people. Foxx laughs big. Joaquin Phoenix, not so much…
Gay themes in the classic Westerns. Yeah, the entire audience from Middle America just switched off.
Presenters in order of how talented they are? Kidman steps up first. Yup, we’ve seen Bewitched. She’s dressed in a curtain.
Best Supporting Actor
George keeps it short and cool with a decent, classy speech that celebrates political films and still manages to slip in a Batman reference.
Jon’s jealous of George, then introduces a decent filmed bit about shortening speeches with Tom Hanks. He has his Big Da Vinci Code hair and he gets hit with a violin. Haven’t you always wanted to see that?
Stiller’s in a green unitard – the entire world just sent their kids to bed scared.
Best Visual Effects
King Kong team gets it. Warp speed speech but no one really cares. The designated speaker attempts to thank everyone he’s ever met before he’s politely dragged away.
Reese Witherspoon arrives, bubbly as ever. She’s presenting Best Animated Film, and there’s a helpful voice-over man so Witherspoon doesn’t have to stumble over Miyazaki.
Best Animated Film
Wallace And Gromit. It had to be. The clear clue was in how long the film’s clip ran. Nick Park and Steve Box crack and throw a cheesy gag into their speech, but recover with a decent bow tie gag.
Dolly Parton performs Travellin’ Thru, from Transamerica. How exactly does that waist support that bustline? Forget Stiller, SHE is tonight’s most complicated visual effect. The crowd really gets into it.
Jon gets in a Scientology crack. Joaquin's still not cracking a smile.
The Wilsons arrive to give out Best Live Action Short. They offer a decent crack at Bottle Rocket - $5 million to fund, $1 million box office.
Best Live Action Short
Six-Shooter gets the glory.
Chicken Little and Abbey Mallard waddle on. Gag about how ducks don’t get the pants in Disney movies. Pants equality for all!
Best Animated Short
The Moon And The Sun wins it.
Jennifer Anniston walks in wearing a necklace that looks like her entire divorce settlement from Brad Pitt would just about cover the rental cost.
Best Costume Design
Memoirs of A Geisha’s Coleen Atwood. Let’s face it – it’s only getting design awards tonight.
Russell Crowe and his cowlick appear on stage to introduce… er… the great tradition of Hollywood biopics. Does this mean Walk The Line will win the Oscar? And we thought they were trying to shorten the ceremony…
Will Ferrell and Steve Carell have been playing in the make-up bin to present Best Makeup. Get it? Sharp as a bayonet these people.
The Chronicles Of Narnia gets it.
Jon cracks at Russell Crowe as RC is heard to ask the fella next to him “Can I borrow your phone?”
The “very clothed” Rachel McAdams is starring in the Chronicles Of Nerdia, handing out awards to the technical bods. Who are, as usual, glossed over quickly.
Morgan Freeman presents Best Supporting Actress. He stumbles over his lines. Welcome to one of the night’s recurring themes.
Best Supporting Actress
Rachel Weisz gets it! Hooray for Britain! Fly the flag. She gushes about the “luminous” Ralph Fiennes.
Lauren Bacall gets a boring, over-praising intro. And the teleprompter is obviously ever-so-slightly out of sight, so she too is stumbling. Now film noir’s getting the tribute reel.
Stewart introduces a superb clip-fest based on dodgy American political adverts. Keira Knightley: Acting while beautiful…. The truth about Dames? This is why he and his team were hired. It wipes the floor with – scratch that - it buffs the entire Kodak Theatre with the supposedly “witty” presenter jokes.
“A pimp is an agent with a better hat” is the intro for the ever-slick Terrence Howard, who’s giving out Best Docu Short.
Best Documentary Short
A Note Of Triumph: The Golden Age Of Norman Corwin.
Everyone’s joking about Clooney tonight. Even the recipient of Best Documentary. George clearly suspects a conspiracy.
Charlize Theron walks on with what looks like a box of Milk Tray on her shoulder. Surely the Penguins will waddle off with the award?
Best Documentary Feature
No shocker there, as Luc Jaquet and co walk on with stuffed penguins. Thank you in penguin? Yeah, don’t overdo it, lads. An abject lesson in why French directors should not accept awards in English.
Jennifer Lopez waltzes on to introduce In The Deep, the song from Crash.
It gets an entire set with a clear fire hazard –a burning car. Dolly Parton got the crowd going with just her lungs. Bloody amateurs.
Jon tries to get the crowd hyped again. Makes crack about the Crash set. Apparently the asbestos used was “not dangerous. Unless it touches your skin.”
Keanu and Sandra: together again! The music from Speed seems eerily appropriate. They’re presenting Best Art Direction.
Best Art Direction
John Myhre wins for Geisha and sticks with the trend of a short, sharp speech.
Samuel L Jackson introduces Hollywood’s politically charged history. A parade of classic hot-button movies… and The Day After Tomorrow.
The President of the Academy. Who, apparently, we’ve all been waiting for. Yes, kids… Sid Gannis. Known to audiences everywhere as “who’s that bloke?”
He’s going on about storytelling as the people at the back nip out for a pee. State of the “heart” films? Somebody stop him! No, really. Where’s Duck Cheney when you need him? Can’t… keep… eyes… open… Wait… here comes Salma Hayek, that’ll do it. She’s here to introduce Best Composer. “Violin Wirtuoso” Itzhak Perlman plays a selection from the nominated scores.
Best Original Score
Gustavo Santaolalla wins for Brokeback Mountain. All together now: “I wish I could quit you!” We wish he could quit his very long list of thank yous.
Catherine Keener’s caught not applauding. Quickly tries to make like she is. Summon the audience police!
Jon’s worried it’s not controversial enough. Accuses Itzhak Perlman of finger miming.
Jake Gyllenhaal moseys on to introduce “epics.” Starts with West Side Story. “Good luck trying to enjoy them on a portable DVD…” Silence. Shamed look from Jake? Pity laugh. Not the best joke for the land where everyone has three private screening rooms in their mansions.
Now here’s Eric Bana and Jessica Alba. She’s another stumbler. They’re here for…
Best Sound Mixing
King Kong gets another gong. In a superb use of irony, the mic fails at first.
Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin try bantering to demonstrate Robert Altman’s directing style. They really shouldn’t.
Or as they like to call it, “The Gold Watch”. He’s brought some of his family members along in a special box. He has the heart of a 30-year-old-woman. Hopefully not in a special box.
Ludacris introduces It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp from Hustle & Flow, up for Best Original Song. He makes a point about suggestive movie titles… He’s right about Can You Feel The Love Tonight.
The lighting designers are clearly trying to kill every epileptic watching. Strobe madness! “Whole lot of witches jumping ship?” It’s time for toned-down hilarity!
A quick flash of the set decorators removing the fake lampposts before Queen Latifah introduces Best Original Song.
Best Original Song
It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp is the surprise winner. The speech is incomprehensible, but Clooney gets a mention again.
Jon worries about a gang war between Itzhak Perlman and the Pimp crew. Dreidel off!
Another great parody of attack ads for the Sound Editing team.
Jennifer Garner nearly falls on her arse as she prepares to present the Sound Editing award. Her head looks like she’s already fallen on it. “I do all my own stunts.” Nice comeback.
Best Sound Editing
King Kong is King gong again. Yes, everyone’s brilliant. Skip to the end. Nice shout-out to Andy Serkis!
Clooney’s back again. He’s introducing the memorial reel. It’s high-larious, Okay, not so much.
Will Smith presents Best Foreign Film
Best Foreign Film
Tsotsi gets it. Gavin Hood is teary and gives a shout out to his actors. The countdown creeps up on him… And he’s done.
Jon Stewart points out the injustice: “Martin Scorsese: no Oscars. Three Six Mafia: One.”
Crash grabs it. Much confusion on where winner Hughes Winbourne should stand. Meandering through his speech, he’s clearly nervous as hell.
Hilary Swank swanks on to present Best Actor.
Joaquin finally cracks a sort-of smile when the camera lands on him.
Philip Seymour Hoffman is the shock winner. Thanks his mum. All together now… awwww.
Heath Ledger takes the loss well, chatting and giggling with Michelle Williams.
Jon gives a nice shout-out to the orchestra. “We seal them up in the pit overnight.”
John Travolta - a fellow member of Tom Hanks scary-hair club - introduces the Best Cinematographer.
Dion Beebe wins another technical award for Memoirs Of A Geisha.
Jamie Foxx gets screams as he enters to present Best Actress… something tells us it wasn’t the animated Mr Phoenix causing the ruckus.
Reese Witherspoon is the winner. She looks like her smile will split her face. She’s bouncy and bubbly and Joaquin manages a tiny smile when she thanks him. She finishes up with a Jamie Foxx trick and thanks her grandmother.
Dustin Hoffman presents Best Adapted Screenplay. He almost opens the envelope. Hasn’t he presented this thing a hundred times already? He applauds the non-winners.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana get it for Brokeback Mountain. McMurtry is wearing jeans to the ceremony like a true cowboy.
Ossana looks more constipated than happy; her face seems to creak when she smiles.
Uma Thurman rushes through the intro for Best Screenplay. “All great films start with a great writer.” Except Godzilla.
Best Original Screenplay
Bobby Moresco and Paul Haggis win for Crash. Paul Haggis has a serious attack of the nerves. He pulls it together to thank people who stand up against intolerance. The orchestra strikes up before Bobby Moresco can even open his trap. The cast of Crash aren’t best pleased.
Jon Stewart riffs on McMurtry’s jeans attire. Tom Hanks, who seems well recovered after his clash with the viola, announces Best Director.
Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. No one is surprised. Lee makes the most obvious “I wish I knew how to quit you” reference of the night. Ouch.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Jack Nicholson with a jazzy backing to present Best Picture. He’s swift and businesslike. You can almost hear the director of the show screaming in everyone’s ear to wrap up.
CRASH? Crash won it? The buzz over the last couple of days in Hollywood proves right and Paul Haggis’ film gets it.
Haggis bounds up and hugs Nicholson. Co-producer Cathy Schulman is breathless and has bigger arms than many men. The Orchestra cuts her off, too. It’s not a good night for co-Crash-ers finishing their speeches.
So there you have it. The winners swagger off to get hammered at Elton’s and the presenters wonder how they’re going to get their goodie-bags home without a forklift…