Piranha 3D


A wet scream but the 3D’s fishy…

Piranha 3D review

It’s like fish with boobies!” marvels porn producer Jerry O’Connell to young hero Steven R McQueen as Kelly Brook and chum frolic, naked, under his glass-bottomed boat – in 3D.

“Hmmm, not a bad idea for the sequel,” think the producers of this mammary-obsessed creature feature that’s as much wet dream as it is movie.

It’s spring break in sheriff Elisabeth Shue’s lakeside town, but nobody counted on a swarm of Neolithic CG piranhas interrupting the fun.

Luckily, for the most part, nobody cares, because this is a film about breasts – in bikinis, au naturel, covered in tequila, being bitten off, you name it. indeed, the nork parade pauses only for some fun cameos (Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth) and imaginative splatter, most notably a satiated fish burping a penis at the camera.

While it’s hard to criticise a film that spends more time on topless paragliding than exposition or characters – what were you expecting, Downfall? – director Alexandre Aja (Switchblade Romance) should be aiming a little higher, and the 3D just doesn’t work on Blu-ray.

The old red-and-blues provide depth but no definition (TF tried two different pairs). The colours coming through the cyan side are so dark and muddy, it’s a recipe for eye, rather than wrist, strain.

The disc’s extras were unavailable at press time (we’d guess less analysis, more knockers), but the 2D version’s supposedly included, so try that instead.

A 3D six-pack movie composed entirely of money shots you can’t see? That’s about as much use as tits on a fish.

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