Clearly an alien sent from the planet Crap to torment us, B-movie shit-merchant Uwe Boll here directs the worst music video you’ve ever seen. One that lasts for 96 excruciating minutes. It’s a tumorous, brain-raping horror that should have immediately been dipped in concrete and dumped in the Atlantic. Along with its director.
The plot to this arse-puckering monster mash? Easy. There isn’t one. In fact, based on an old Atari videogame that by comparison seems like Chaucer, the entire film is just one gaping plot hole. Something about a portal to a world of demons. Something to do with a 10,000-year-old Native American civilisation. Something involving secret government experiments on evil orphans. Something like an X-Files episode that’s three times as long with no good bits.
Decked out in a humiliating ribbed tank-top and trenchcoat combo, Christian Slater plays paranormal detective Edward Canby, investigating the case of a recently deceased friend. While he’s not waiting for the next noisy, incoherent action scene or reading his lines off idiot-boards, Slater joins us in wondering just why he’s starring in film where Tara Reid is cast as a – wait for it – brilliant archaeologist. The constipated performances do full justice to Alone In The Dark’s appalling script, with rent-a-villain Stephen Dorff happily grabbing his share of the worst lines. “Looks like a dead end,” guesses Dorff at one point. “Let's check it out.”
There’s small joy in watching Reid stumble blindly through multi-syllable words that are plainly far more terrifying to her than any of Boll’s joke shop monsters. Bafflingly, the budget evidently didn’t stretch to getting the American Pie bimbo to flop her boobs out. Director Boll, though, the biggest tit of them all, has his ‘talents’ firmly on display. Some critics are calling Boll the latter-day Ed Wood. To paraphrase William H Macy in David Mamet’s State And Main, Ed Wood’s puke could have directed a better movie than this. Pure Boll-ocks.