Another rancid fart from the brain of Uwe Boll, vampire thriller BloodRayne continues the lobotomised German filmmaker’s perfect record – three straight US features and every one of them an absolute stinker.

At its deepest textual level, there are just two reasons to watch BloodRayne. Both of them belong to Kristanna Loken. The former Terminatrix plays Rayne, a dialogue-murdering, sometimes-topless vampire (sorry, “dhampire”) hacking her way through 18th century Transylvania on a quest to kill her evil dad, Ben Kingsley. Kingsley himself appears to be on loan from Madame Tussauds, but is nonetheless joined by depressed vampire-hunter Michael Madsen, who spends the entire film wishing he was someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Probably planning suicide. After about 60 seconds of this mind-blowingly inept mess, so will you.

Staggeringly clichéd, convoluted and pointless, BloodRayne is final scientific proof that every single firing synapse in Boll's skull is a profound and agonising mistake. It’s all here: a “special appearance” by Billy Zane, an orgy with Meat Loaf, bad eastern European accents, worse mullets and action scenes presumably edited by an epilepsy-stricken chimp. The director’s greatest achievement? Creating a videogame-to-film adaptation that makes Paul WS Anderson look like Jean Renoir.


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