Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson made his name in a band titled after a torture device. The same might well be said for his debut foray into scriptwriting, an inscrutable hodgepodge that sees infamous occultist Aleister Crowley (John Shrapnel) reincarnated in the present day as eccentric Cambridge don Simon Callow. Pissing on his students and shitting on the dean’s desk is just the start of his evil rampage, which soon sees him hacking his way through the faculty in his quest to bring about the end of the world. To anyone unfortunate enough to be viewing this claptrap, it can’t come fast enough. The odd gory surprise (tongues ripped out, needles stuck in eyeballs) and fruity line (“a good ritualised fuck would expand your consciousness!”) provide some slim shreds of consolation.