Shit-merchant Uwe Boll had $60m to spend on this sword’n’sorcery tumour. Shonky CG, cheque-please performances, arse-puckering direlogue and surprisingly competent battles were all presumably edited by an epileptic chimp, as big, bald farmer Jason Statham quests to rescue his wife Claire Forlani from evil sorcerer Ray Liotta. Wait, it gets better… Statham meets a who’s-who of B-list ham-eaters, including Ron Perlman, John Rhys-Davies and Burt Reynolds. Oh no, we lied. It doesn’t get better. Pure Boll-ocks.