Vampires Suck


Two pale-faced, twitchy leads

You know that a film has seared itself onto the public’s consciousness when a big-budget parody appears, and the fact that Fox saw fit to invest $20 million in a Twilight spoof is evidence, if more were needed, that the vampire saga is the Facebook generation’s Star Wars. It’s just a shame that no one could come up with a better piss-take than this dog of a movie.

Extras were unavailable as we went to press, but even though they only include a gag reel and deleted scenes they hardly seem necessary. once you’ve made it through all 82 minutes of Vampires Suck it’s unlikely you’d be in the mood for an explanation of how the writer/directors – parody specialists Friedberg and Seltzer – approached the film. it’s obvious how they did it: take the same approach as Epic Movie, Date Movie and, most of all, Meet The Spartans, add two pale-faced, twitchy leads and you’re away.

Vampires Suck does a meticulous job of copying the original films, at least in terms of location and backdrops, and the sets will seem familiar if you’ve seen any of the Twilight instalments to date. The plot and dialogue are far blunter, though, with the finale moved from Italy to the school prom, visited by the ‘Zolturi’ (you may spot what they did there).

The film obviously stands or falls on its humour and if you were feeling charitable, you might point to about half a dozen semi-amusing moments: the over-the-top assaults meted out to ‘Becca’ as the new girl in school; Edward’s reaction to her smell (he dons a radiation suit); she farts in his face while asleep; a squirrel, bitten by Edward, turns vampire and attacks him... but unfortunately, in the hit and miss world of quick-fire gags far too many land wide of the mark.

The formation-dancing werewolf pack; the comparison of the three evil vampires to the black eyed peas; and endless references to US pop culture that’ll require a trip to Google are just some of its flaws. Its one redeeming feature is newcomer Proske’s genuinely funny imitation of Kristen Stewart’s bella – and her performance is pretty much the sole reason to watch this film.

What’s most irritating of all is that the Twilight films take themselves so seriously that they’re actually crying out to be mocked. Their po-faced characters, emo soundtrack and slushy emotional tone are so unbearably ripe for a ribbing that it should be impossible to screw up the opportunity to do so. Vampires Suck is that screw-up.


Laughs (and extras) are few and far between with this bloodless parody, which is for true Twilight freaks only.

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User Reviews

    • MeanMachine

      Jul 23rd 2011, 11:05

      Worst p*ss take movie ever! utter sh*te! DO NOT watch this c*ap...

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